Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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