I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
