Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
