Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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