I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
