the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
