it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
