There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
