That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
