Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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