Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize