she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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