I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
