Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
