I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
