Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
