You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
