If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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