girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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