Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
