He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
