i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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