I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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