My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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