It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize