My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
