Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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