Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
