My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
