Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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