Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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