is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
