I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
