There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
