You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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