yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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