K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sorry about my life...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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