i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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