I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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