when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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