Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize