dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
