you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
