yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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