i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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