the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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