Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
