We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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