Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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