Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
