I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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