I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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