I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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