We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
