I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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