I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
