there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
