just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
