I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
she peed on how many people?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
