I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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