About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
