you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
