ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
