True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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